A little while ago I shared with you the news that I had started working fulltime. This was a huge change for me after being at home for the last 4 years. Well, I lasted 3 months.
3 months of kissing my beautiful girl goodbye while she was still in her bed at 7am as my sister arrived to look after her. She would wake her sleepy head up and embark on a day of adventures, walks to poppy fields, cake baking, dance shows and drawing. Occasionally I’d receive instagrams of what they had been up to, little windows into their fun world which always managed to make me smile.
I never felt bad leaving her, I knew she was perfectly happy. And I was happy at work, it felt good to return to a world where I felt competent. I had a to do list that I could complete and the answers to questions I was asked. I did my work with care, inspiration and enthusiasm and people listened to what I had to say!
A far cry from being a stay at home mum ruled by a headstrong 3 (now 4) year old who a) seldom listens to me b) is forever asking me questions I don’t know the answer to AND a house full of washing waiting to be done /toys needing to be put away/emails waiting to be answered.
Feeling on top of my work made me feel on top of the world, my confidence soared. I dressed better, I felt better, I felt like the old me…. but at the same time I also felt less and less like me, the new me. I felt less and less like a mum.
At the end of the day being a mummy IS my most important job these days. Since she came into the world, she has been my world. It is all about her now not about me, the me who could afford expensive clothes and handbags, composed and important at work. There is a new me and actually I really like her too, she isn’t perfect, she is down to earth and real and not always in control. Most importantly she has time, time to listen to her daughter playing makebelieve with her toys, time to try and answer the complicated questions she asks, time for a cuddle and a story, time to make cardboard castles. This is what is important and this is my life.
As Littlelish was starting school I struggled with the fact that my new job meant I could not take her to school at all during the week. I also could not collect her. And while most of her classmates were getting picked up by their mummies she would have to go and sit at afterschool club until 18:00, everyday. I will be honest with you, I cried. I was torn between my job where I felt great and important and my duty to my little girl, to be there for her when she was starting school and finishing school, to hear about her day and sit and read her school book with her rather than returning home, tired from a day at the office and speeding through dinner, bath, bed routine before 19:00.
With no possibility to do part time, I decided to leave. Partly it felt like giving up, I had something to prove didn’t i? I wanted to prove I was the business woman I once was, capable of great things. But I’ve already acheived my greatest thing, my little girl, and then I realised there was no choice to be made. I wanted to be there for her, to welcome her home and hear about her day.
What’s more I am still capable of great things, I can be a great business woman. I just have to go about acheiving them in a slightly different way.
What a wonderful post mummylish – you should feel proud of all your achievements, and exploit all your talents in a new and creative way at home. And don’t be lonely…. share real time with like-minded others, not just online time! :)
This is a great post (will be including in the Britmum round-up, so thanks), and your feeling echo so many of my friends, and my own thoughts as my kids started school. Its a tough decision to make, but doesn’t mean you have to change who you are, or what your want to do drastically – you just need to find another way of doing it, just as you say. I have, and I am sure that you will too. Good luck. xx
Helen Neale recently posted..Terrible Twos: Over 80% of us bribe our kids!
Such a beautiful post Lucy and I’m so happy for you in your decision. You are a great mum and a very dynamic, successful woman. Keep looking and you’ll find alternative work that fits you much better xxx
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Ah Lucy I think they are little for such a time that if you can share that time it is a wonderful thing. Very happy for you .
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I was in a similar position two years ago, in my case I went freelance, and me and the OH swapped roles (he was the SAHD) – I think we are both really lucky to be able to give the time to our children, and live ‘carefully’ to be able to afford to do so… they are only young for a really short time, (obv) so enjoy every minute MummyLish xx
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Thanks Ali I will :) careful living is something I’m good at, I’ve done it for the last 4 years! Xx
It’s incredibly tough striking the right balance. I stay at home and miss the adult-conversations that I would have at work. I know some mothers who would ‘go bonkers’ if they didn’t work. Everyone has their own balance of work life and parenting life. You made the right decision for you. Great post.
Domestic Goddesque recently posted..Tesco Mum of the Year 2014
Kelly I absolutely know what you mean, I miss adult conversation. It’s lonely working from home isn’t it. There are definitely pros and cons but its about what works best.
You do what is best for you – as a whole, and that balance will come. Picking your daughter up from school is a wonderful thing – I’ve changed my hours so I don’t have to drop mine at breakfast club and it’s done us all the world of good. Fair play to you x
Jenny from Cheetahs In My Shoes and Just Photos By Me recently posted..Diagnosing Ehlers Danlos Syndrome
Hi Jenny, yes I definitely need to find a balance, its all about balance isn’t it! Xx
Actually, I wanted to add, I think this is a fantastic post that tackles a difficult subject that many women, working or otherwise can identify with.
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Thank you Gemma. It wasn’t an easy choice to make or an easy post to write. I think its something most mums struggle with isn’t it. It was a shame I had to leave but I am sure we will find a good balance. I already love my after school chats! Xx
It’s a shame your job can’t be more flexible, clearly they are losing someone committed and enthusiastic.
I was made redundant 2 years ago, at the time I was working 4 days a week, doing a 5 day a week job. I can appreciate what a huge struggle it is, without the emotional side. I totally hear you, it felt good to work, I knew my son was somewhere good. When redundancy was offered the only alternative was full time, I knew the juggle would be too much. I knew the time I lost with my son would be time I could never replaced. I opted to leave, it was a big change and we had to re-think all our finances. Picking him up from school over his first year has been brilliant, listening to his day.Unlike nursery there is no teacher feedback. Listening to him learning to read has been a joy. You’ve made a really difficult choice, I really hope you find something fulfilling that fits in with school.
helloitsgemma recently posted..Camping in the Forest
This is fine. It must be a struggle to leave her. But how do you live? It sound to me like you are lucky to have the luxury of this choice.
I am definitely lucky, I know I am. It is a luxury that not everyone has but I have a supportive partner. We just dont live extravagantly.
super mooi verwoord Lucy!
Thank you! X