A little while ago I shared with you the news that I had started working fulltime. This was a huge change for me after being at home for the last 4 years. Well, I lasted 3 months.
3 months of kissing my beautiful girl goodbye while she was still in her bed at 7am as my sister arrived to look after her. She would wake her sleepy head up and embark on a day of adventures, walks to poppy fields, cake baking, dance shows and drawing. Occasionally I’d receive instagrams of what they had been up to, little windows into their fun world which always managed to make me smile.
I never felt bad leaving her, I knew she was perfectly happy. And I was happy at work, it felt good to return to a world where I felt competent. I had a to do list that I could complete and the answers to questions I was asked. I did my work with care, inspiration and enthusiasm and people listened to what I had to say!
A far cry from being a stay at home mum ruled by a headstrong 3 (now 4) year old who a) seldom listens to me b) is forever asking me questions I don’t know the answer to AND a house full of washing waiting to be done /toys needing to be put away/emails waiting to be answered.
Feeling on top of my work made me feel on top of the world, my confidence soared. I dressed better, I felt better, I felt like the old me…. but at the same time I also felt less and less like me, the new me. I felt less and less like a mum.
At the end of the day being a mummy IS my most important job these days. Since she came into the world, she has been my world. It is all about her now not about me, the me who could afford expensive clothes and handbags, composed and important at work. There is a new me and actually I really like her too, she isn’t perfect, she is down to earth and real and not always in control. Most importantly she has time, time to listen to her daughter playing makebelieve with her toys, time to try and answer the complicated questions she asks, time for a cuddle and a story, time to make cardboard castles. This is what is important and this is my life.
As Littlelish was starting school I struggled with the fact that my new job meant I could not take her to school at all during the week. I also could not collect her. And while most of her classmates were getting picked up by their mummies she would have to go and sit at afterschool club until 18:00, everyday. I will be honest with you, I cried. I was torn between my job where I felt great and important and my duty to my little girl, to be there for her when she was starting school and finishing school, to hear about her day and sit and read her school book with her rather than returning home, tired from a day at the office and speeding through dinner, bath, bed routine before 19:00.
With no possibility to do part time, I decided to leave. Partly it felt like giving up, I had something to prove didn’t i? I wanted to prove I was the business woman I once was, capable of great things. But I’ve already acheived my greatest thing, my little girl, and then I realised there was no choice to be made. I wanted to be there for her, to welcome her home and hear about her day.
What’s more I am still capable of great things, I can be a great business woman. I just have to go about acheiving them in a slightly different way.