Just being mum

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but things have been a little quiet on here of late. I’ve been taking some much needed time for myself and my family.

Don’t worry we are all well and happy but it took me stepping back from the blog and a few other commitments to achieve some balance and peace in our lives.

You see adjusting to being a mum of two was much harder than I EVER imagined. I mean before the arrival of Babylish I definitely had the mum thing down. Littlelish and I were a well oiled team, we knew all the rules and each others boundaries and things worked.

Then the most beautiful little bundle of curls and cheeky smiles arrived to shake up the scene and boy does she have the personality to cause some havoc. Full of energy, feistiness and mischief by the bucket load. Adorable, totally flipping adorable but pretty hard work.

I spent months trying and failing to juggle my life and the roles I had created for myself. ‘The creative blogger’, ‘the devoted stay at home mum’, ‘the perfect wife’, ‘the renovating interior lover’, ‘the desperate (to have a clean) housewife’, ‘the interesting/sociable/smart/caring human’. It was ALL too much to bear. I was spread too thin and I couldn’t be any of these things.

Many days I felt like I was losing my mind. I so wanted to be me, the fun spontaneous, interesting me but I was tired, stressed and on edge. I felt like a failure in every one of my roles and it was making me totally miserable. Looking back I wasn’t failing at all but had put so much pressure on myself. After all I had a young baby, I was renovating a period property and planning a wedding. That’s like 3 major life milestones all at once. I hadn’t made things easy for myself had I?

The tipping point for me was the day  Littlelish found a little white feather.

I told her an angel had blessed her with a wish. She closed her eyes and wished, thinking long and hard, making sure she made the right choice.

She asked me if I wanted to know her wish, she often does this, as if the excitement of the wish is too much to keep to herself. Playfully I guessed she had wished for another pet dog, it’s her default wish. But that day she told me she had wished for something different. She wished her mummy wasn’t stressed and that she and her sister could be good girls so mummy could feel happy. My heart ached.

So for the sake of my sanity and those around me I decided to go into what I call survival mode, focusing only on my primary priorities. I selfishly became, just mum, and took off some of those heavy labels that were dragging me down.

These days I am not stressed. You will find me playing with the girls and tending to what I can in the house. I make good food and I make the time to go to the gym for some me time. I visit friends with small children, I play in the garden, I do the school run. It’s a very simple existence but it’s what I needed. I know I am blessed to be in the position to be able to do this and for this I am truly grateful.

All the things I used to take great pleasure in doing, blogging, reading, writing, drawing have had to take a back seat. I’m simply ‘being’ these days and it is doing us all good.

I’ve also deliberately taken a step back from social media, it helps me to drown out the noise of ambition, pressure, competition and expectation.

I’m keeping sane, peaceful and most importanly I’m smiling every day. It took a while to figure out but I’m there and embracing it.

There is plenty of time to be the business woman I want to become, for self discovery, growth and ambition. Conquering the world will have to wait.

I’ve learnt there is nothing wrong with just being mum. After all I’m the world to them.

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